shivaratri

All year long I have spoken of how I don’t want to miss Sivaratri.

I was very fortunate to have experienced it last year at my Teacher Training Course on Paradise Island in the Bahamas. I loved the all night chanting and the ceremonies that took place.

Tonight was the big night. The temple was full to the brim so I started the Satsang (meditation and chanting) sitting outside and meditating on the deck overlooking the bay. When the chanting started, I stood outside looking in, chanting with all the others. I was happy to be outside because I like to move my feet while chanting. I kept looking for a drum but they were all taken. Last year we would pass the drum around to make sure everyone that loved to drum had his or her chance. This year I was really looking forward to drumming again. It is very hypnotic to drum while chanting. I walked around the whole room but still no drum. 

Hours went by and I became tired, wanting to sit. I watched as many people left, waiting till a cushion became available. I watched for a while. I decided to go sit on a cushion I saw open for a bit and when I did a man behind me told me someone was sitting there but he was not sure where she went. I hesitated because I did not understand what he was saying. A man beside me also felt the need to tell me the seat was taken and I said ok and ask if the cushion in front of that was taken, he said “no”. Then saying something to the effect that it is even closer to seeing the ceremony. I took it as if he meant I was trying to get close by being greedy when all I was trying to do was rest my feet. I said, “Joy”. I’m not sure how he took it but the vibe felt awkward. I tossed through my head the possibility it was all in my head. The awkward moment faded and I enjoyed my sit time.

I stood up to be blessed by the priest; one of the drummers was in line in front of me, when I was done I noticed the drum was still empty so I went to it and picked it up looking for someone to ask if I could use it. I stood there for a few minutes and no one showed so I walked to a seat near by and was going to drum when the women drumming earlier stood forcefully in front of me saying that was her drum. I said “Oh, I did not know whose drum it was; I thought it belonged to the ashram”. She said “no it belongs to me and I think it’s very rude for you to take it without asking”. I said, “I looked around for a few minutes to ask but when I did not see anyone I decided to play. She again said she thought it was horrible that I took her drum without asking, it seemed she did not hear anything I said. I said I felt that was a bit strong, that I did try to ask. She said I did not try to ask because she did not hear me ask. I said I did not say anything to you because I did not see you. I offered her drum back. She did not take it but instead said “you see people have been waiting in line for this drum, you have to be able to keep a beat, you don’t understand they want it played a certain way, they get upset if you don’t play it right, you need to sit in a certain place. I said I was here last year and we played drums, the drums that were in the temple, all the time anywhere, even during Sivaratri. She said she has been here 5 years except last year, and that is not how they do it. She said there were no drums that belonged to the temple, that it was her drum. She proceeded to aggressively show me the bottom of her drum and how it has her name on it. As suddenly as she appeared, she disappeared. I decided to play the drum but in the spot she said I needed to be. I kept beat unsurprising to me, I am not a great drummer but I can keep a simple steady beat for hours.

When the next song started, dragon women (my new name for this ‘drummer in my face’ woman) came up to me and said one of the Swami’s said she must drum. I saw her go up and talk to him and I have no idea what she said but I’m sure it was not what went down, so I easily gave over the drum and went and sat in my spot that was possibly reluctantly given to me.

Needless to say I was no longer feeling the blissful vibe I felt at the beginning, it was late and I did not have the energy to lift myself up from this negative crap that was just thrust my way (or did I draw myself into it), so I retreated back to my tent and cried myself to sleep, wondering what lesson there was for me here knowing I was too much into it all to figure it out at this hour, hoping the answers would come in the morning.

When I woke up in the morning I was angry. I wanted to stop payment on my credit card with the excuse that dragon women (who is on staff here) ruined my whole vacation. My whole reason for coming was Sivaratri and this was ruined by bad manners.

She could of lovingly came up to me and ask for her drum and I would of lovingly handed it to her and then I would of walked away with a smile. This was such an easy solution.

I went to the dining area to write this all down. A Brahmacharian was there putting out dishes of food on the long tables. I ask him if he needed any help and he said no he’s almost done. Then he paused and asks me if I stayed for the whole celebration. This was strange in two ways. One, I never find myself in conversation with this man even though he was one of my instructors last year, and two, he brought up the lead to something that was bothering me. We spoke for a while, I poured my story out to him and he smiled and said not to worry, that it was not about me. He said the drums are for everyone; he does like it when people stay with the song but this was not a problem for him to have others play. Then I was in this conversation with another person that works here when her name was brought up not by me but by a TTC student. That staff person told me she is not happy here and seems to have these frictions with many people and once again that it had nothing to do with me.

So I went through a very upsetting event that left as quickly as it came. I now find there is no need to hold onto any of this. I do think I could of recognized the ego when watching her play and took it as a warning sign to do something else besides play the drum she was playing on. I could have been more flexible and just chanted instead of drumming. I also could have just smiled and handed her back the drum and walked away the minute I saw she had way too much ego attachment with it all. These are my lessons I will take with me.

The older I get, the more I look at things that happen and ask what lesson is there? How can I bring more joy to the moment?

If anyone wants to share a story and the lessons they learned I would be pleased to post it.